Unconscious Expectations

### Expectations You Bring into a Relationship

In every relationship, there are expectations—some spoken, many unspoken—that shape our interactions and influence how we feel about one another. Often, these expectations are not fully realized until they clash with reality, leading to frustrations and misunderstandings. As a mental health therapist, I have seen how these hidden agendas can cause strain in even the strongest relationships. It is imperative that we become serious about managing expectations in a romantic relationship.

#### The Unseen Expectations

Take, for example, a husband who knows he is not very organized. Without consciously realizing it, he might expect his wife to fill this gap for him. He might imagine that she will naturally take on the role of managing their household’s administrative tasks, like sending thank you cards for wedding presents. He never communicated this expectation, and she never agreed to be his executive assistant; she wants to be his partner, not his personal organizer.

When these thank you cards go unwritten, frustration arises. The husband feels disappointed that his wife doesn’t take the initiative, while the wife feels burdened by an unspoken expectation that she never agreed to. She’s willing to work on this task together, but he insists he needs her to initiate it due to his lack of organization.

#### Uncovering Hidden Agendas

So, how can we address these hidden expectations and prevent them from undermining our relationships? The key is to become aware of them and to communicate openly with our partners.

1. **Notice Frustrations**: Frustration often indicates that an expectation is not being met. By paying attention to these feelings, you can start to uncover what you might subconsciously expect from your partner.

2. **Reverse Engineer Your Expectations**: Once you identify a point of frustration, ask yourself what expectation you had. For the husband, it might be the assumption that his wife will handle organizational tasks.

3. **Communicate Openly**: Instead of harboring unspoken expectations, bring them into the open. Share with your partner what you’ve realized about your needs and ask for their perspective. This opens the door for a conversation about how you can support each other.

4. **Negotiate Roles**: Relationships thrive on mutual support and understanding. Discuss how you can each contribute to the relationship in a way that feels fair and satisfying. This may involve compromising and finding a balance that works for both parties.

5. **Ask Explicitly**: If you need help with something your partner is better at, ask explicitly. For example, the husband can say, “I struggle with organization. Could you help me with this task?” This way, his wife has the opportunity to agree, and they can work together more effectively.

#### Building Stronger Connections

By understanding and articulating your expectations, you can build a stronger, more harmonious relationship. Remember that it’s not about forcing your partner into a role they didn’t sign up for, but about negotiating and collaborating to meet each other’s needs. When you approach your relationship with openness and a willingness to communicate, you create a space where both partners can thrive and feel appreciated.

In the end, relationships are about partnership—not about one person fulfilling an unspoken job description. By addressing hidden expectations and fostering open communication, you pave the way for a deeper, more fulfilling connection.